Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Holy Cow, Vatman!



Holy Cow, Vatman

I'm not at all political really, but this one tickled my fancy from a few years back. Still pretty relevant today too, by the looks of it...

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Bureaucracy (European)
You have two cows. Brussels tells you how to milk them and pays you not to milk them. Then Brussels kills one, milks the other, throws away the milk and makes you fill out a form to declare your missing cows.

Capitalism (Universal)
You have two cows and big ambitions. You sell one of your cows and buy a bull.

Capitalism (of Hong Kong)
You have two cows under a leasing plan. You sell 3 to a company evaluated by financial places, using lettres de créances opened by your brother in a bank. Simultaneously you proceed with an exchange of participations and a public offer. You get 4 cows with a tax reduction for 5. Then you kill 2 of them because the cowhome direction (feng shui) is bad. The currency crashes and you create a global crisis.

Communism (Orthodox)
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you to look after them and you share the milk with them.

Communism (Russian)
You have two cows. You must feed and milk them but the government takes all the milk.

Democracy (Pure)
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who will take the milk.

Democracy (Representative)
You have two cows. Your neighbours nominate someone to decide who will take the milk.

Democracy (American)
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for them. Just after being elected, the president is under an impeachment procedure for flirting with the milk maid. The press calls the scandal Cowgate and wants to make the Head of state resign.

Democracy (British)
You have two cows. You feed them with sheep brains and they become mad. The government does nothing.

Democracy (of Singapore)
You have two cows. The government charges you with keeping cows in your apartment.

Dictatorship
You have two cows. The government takes your cows and puts you in front of the firing squad.

Green
You have two cows. The government forbids you to milk them.

Militarism
You have two cows. The government enlists you in the army, confiscates your cows and feeds you on their milk.

Politically correct
You have a relationship (the concept of property is much too close to a phallocentric past) with two bovines of a non-specific breed, sex and weight (despite 3 Weight Watchers diets).

35 hours
You have two cows. One eats in a private field, the other in a public field. The government orders you to make them work a 35 hour week. They will produce less milk and still eat the same. You think you can solve the problem. Martine Aubry explains that you have to be better organised and gives you a bale of hay.

35 hours (elsewhere)
You have two cows. One eats in a private field, the other in a public one. The first wonders how to produce in 35 hours what she does in 42. The second wonders how to produce in 35 hours what she does in 32.

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Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Holy Cow, Vatman!'
Created & written by Sab Will
Copyright 2011 Sab Will / Hotch Potch English ~ The Unique English Language Website
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