Friday, 4 October 2013

In My Experience...




Understanding Scientific Research Papers

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a PhD dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN" - I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT" - These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS" - An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY" -
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN" - This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT" -
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed / funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE" - Once

"IN CASE AFTER CASE" - Twice

"IN A SERIES OF CASES" - Three times

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT" - I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT" - A couple of others think so too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" - Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS" - Rumour has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS" - A wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA" - Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS" - I don't
understand it.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES" - They don't understand
it either.

"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS" - Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY" - A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD" - I quit.

______________________________

Crawl On
The SNAIL

DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT!
_________________________________________________________________________________
Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'In My Experience...'
Created & written by Sab Will
Copyright 2013 Sab Will / Hotch Potch English ~ The Unique English Language Website
_________________________________________________________________________________

Déjà Vu




Ever feel like you've...

...milked this cow before: déjà moo
...seen this strange animal before: déjà gnu
...smelled this bad odor before: déjà phew
...visited this menagerie before: déjà zoo
...scared this person away before: déjà boo
...read this mystery book before: déjà clue
...been in this courtroom before: déjà sue
...felt this bad before: déjà rue
...felt this sad before: déjà blue
...expanded this way before: déjà grew
...seen this slime before: déjà goo
...learned this stuff before: déjà knew
...waited in line before: déjà queue
...eaten this dinner before: déjà stew
...pursued this person before: déjà woo
...forgotten this your name before: déjà who
...had this feeling of deja vu before: déjà too
...seen these twins before: déjà two
...been on this airplane before: déjà flew
...came up with this innovation before: déjà new
...fed these pigeons before: déjà coo
...sketched this portrait before: déjà drew
...ended this relationship before: déjà through
...felt this ill before: déjà flu
...sheared this sheep before: déjà ewe
...munched on this gum ball before: déjà chew
...sat through this sermon before: déjà pew
...played in this wet grass before: déjà dew
...admired this scenery before: déjà ooo
...lost it under the bed before: déjà shoo
...exposed the real facts before: déjà true
...changed this nappy (diaper) before: déjà poo

______________________________

Crawl On
The SNAIL

DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT!
_________________________________________________________________________________
Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Déjà Vu'
Created & written by Sab Will
Copyright 2013 Sab Will / Hotch Potch English ~ The Unique English Language Website
_________________________________________________________________________________

Punification Parlour




Clean Harmless Pun...



I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.

The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

______________________________

Crawl On
The SNAIL

DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT!
_________________________________________________________________________________
Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Clean Harmless Pun'
Created & written by Sab Will
Copyright 2013 Sab Will / Hotch Potch English ~ The Unique English Language Website
_________________________________________________________________________________

Thursday, 24 January 2013

The Three-Toed Tree Toad




Croak: The Three-Toed Tree Toad!

A Terrible Toad Tongue Twister... if you don't make a mistake, we won't believe you :-)



A tree-toad loved a she-toad 
Who lived up in a tree. 
He was a two-toed tree-toad, 
But a three-toed toad was she. 
The two-toed tree-toad tried to win 
The three-toed she-toad's heart, 
For the two-toed tree-toad loved the ground 
That the three-toed tree-toad trod. 
But the two-toed tree-toad tried in vain; 
He couldn't please her whim. 
From her tree-toad bower, 
With her three-toed power, 
The she-toad vetoed him.


______________________________

Crawl On
The SNAIL

DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT!
_________________________________________________________________________________
Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'Croak: The Three-Toed Tree Toad'
Created & written by Sab Will
Copyright 2013 Sab Will / Hotch Potch English ~ The Unique English Language Website
_________________________________________________________________________________

How To Get Rid Of Telemarketers




What Are You Wearing..?

You know when the phone rings, at home, when you're in the middle of dinner and you really don't need to talk about life assurance at precisely that moment but you're not quite sure how to politely tell them to bugger off..? Well this could be the answer to your prayers, print out and keep near phone - you'll thank me that you did!

How To Get Rid Of Telemarketers:

1.  If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed  for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2.  If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so  glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all  these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my  dog just died..."

3.  If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to  spell their name.  Then ask them to spell the company name.  Then ask  them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they  married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4.  This works great if you are male:  Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5.  Cry out in surprise, "Judy!  Is that you?  Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6.  Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7.  If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

8.  If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood?  Can you get out GOAT blood? How about lots of HUMAN blood?

9.  After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10.  Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

11.  Answer the phone.  As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.

12.  Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask  him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back.  When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, neither!" Hang up.

13.  Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14.  Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at
 your leisure.  Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15.  Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16.  Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17.  Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you.  But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18.  Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19.  Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder... louder...

20.  Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
______________________________

Crawl On
The SNAIL

DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT!
_________________________________________________________________________________
Hotch Potch English: The SNAIL ~ 'How To Get Rid Of Telemarketers'
Created & written by Sab Will
Copyright 2013 Sab Will / Hotch Potch English ~ The Unique English Language Website
_________________________________________________________________________________
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